Longing my ma & pa

To my dearest Mama & Papa,

Without the two of you by my side for so many years now has always been a struggle to live my life.  I was used to be comforted by your caress by your advice and love when I felt bad.   I was used to be brave knowing that you were always there to back me up.   Yes… I was brave to sing, to dance and to declaim, to join in any competition, because you were there to funnel me how to win & to encourage me up when I lose.

  If you have been watching me since the two of you left, you know how I am striving hard to win every mêlée I have encountered in my life.   But Mama and Papa this time, this particular battle that I am experiencing now…how I wish that the two of you are here with me to guide me on how to survive.

Feel Like Giving Up

The past chapters of my life have defined me as optimistic and a fighter but now I can't even build anymore an armor of words and wear a mask to ward off my flaw in facing my anguish.  My vision became blurry with tears when I got my period yesterday.

The unending questions seem tormenting me for a sin I didn’t commit.  When will God answer our prayer?  What kind of prayers does He need to answer us? Why He’s not answering our prayer?  Am I still going to get pregnant?

  

We were advised by the doctor that if I don’t get pregnant after my last treatment of clomiphene the next step is IUI.   My husband and I never discuss on this & didn’t even bother to think about it.

 I finally decided to stop taking my fertility pills and even stop asking God for answers. All I wanna do now is to relax my mind and my body and I hope I can.

 Well, my friends & family don’t really know that I’m in distress as they always see me full of life & energy.  They don’t know that deep inside I feel like I’m tearing apart.

Waiting days to verdict

Irregular period is one of the symptoms of having PCOS.   I have been reading all about this, I should say all about my “enemy” from that day I was diagnosed;  how my enemy will wreck my desire to have a baby.  For more than a year I am fighting my foe using various artilleries for which every month we come to a verdict of who wins.

The verdict last month was on the 13^th in favor of my opponent of course.   And I don’t know this month if I have only 3 days left to lift up my hope or worst scenario, my enemy will just play me again prolonging the game of waiting for nothing.