Goodbye and Hello

2010 will be bidding goodbye soon and I’m saying goodbye as well to all my heartaches and all the despondent moments of 2010.  As the cliché goes “ Count the blessings not the failures”

Resolutions & Plans for 2011?

I have lots but the first thing in my list would be, not to put pressure anymore on myself to conceive and leave all this to God.  Secondly, just give a beautiful smile to people who will ask about my age, baby & pregnancy. ( I really hope I can do this)  

You're all I want for Christmas

Christmas Day, supposedly a blissful day to spend but what happened in Christmas Eve is still fresh in my mind and in my heart.  I woke up in tears again today, feeling weak & sick.  When I tried to get up it seemed that every part of my body was in pain.  So I laid myself in bed for another hour closing my eyes and yearning that I could simply ease the pain by hanging a sock on my wall and then later will find out that Santa has given me the gift I wished for Christmas.

…And then I found myself singing these songs

You’re all I want for Christmas

All I want my whole life through

Each day is just like Christmas anytime when I’m with you…

(The first time I actually sang this song was when I joined a singing contest when I was in grade 4. ‘Twas my mom who chose this song and I did win the first place)

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Baby all I want for Christmas is you…

(A song by Mariah Carey, I didn’t sing the whole song, just this line and I kept repeating it…)

Tearful Christmas Eve

7:30pm- went to the airport to fetch my hubby from manila, after an hour hubby arrived

9:00pm-enjoying dinner with family with my bro from Cagayan and his 2 daughters, with my bro from negros with his wife and 2 sons, my hubby and mom-in-law.

9:30pm- exchanged gifts

10:00 pm- skype chat with my bro in Japan and his family

 All of us were so happy with our respective gifts and the chance to be together in this Christmas Eve as we rarely do this. My 6 brothers and I are living miles away from each other and I feel delighted that at least two of them with their family were able to celebrate Christmas with me & one was on live chat.

The laughing, eating noche buena and sharing of stories continued until I heard one of my bro’s sardonic voice saying. “Hahahahaha, I won’t appreciate Ging’s achievements…she’s childless !”.   I heard this so loud, so offensive, so excruciating not to my ear but to my heart.  The rests of my family pretended to be unaware of what he just said or never cared because he was drunk.  But I give a damn care! He just stabbed the wound in me which was already healing.   Although there was just hasty silence after he uttered that statement because my other bro quickly changed the topic, my wound of the infertility battle which has supposedly put to rest started to bleed again.

Without a word, I climbed upstairs and locked myself in the bedroom.  No sobbing sound heard but tears keep rolling down my face…even while I'm making this blog.   

The Fertility Symbol

Today wasn’t an early shopping for the Christmas Eve celebration; loads of people are in different shopping malls.  I guess the busy days started early on the 15^th, after receiving the 13^th month pay.  Good thing for me that I live only couple of minutes walk away from a mall.

I headed first to the house ornaments section, not planning to buy anything particular just something probably that I would really love to place in my house, especially that our house blessing is approaching.  My feet brought me to the figurines; I am not a big fan of figurines the few ones I owned were given by my friends.  It was the green laughing Buddha with a big tummy and 5 kids that enthralled me then I realized that it was the fertility symbol in feng shui that I have read in the internet.  I was amazed by myself that I didn’t give a second thought of buying it. 

I placed the fertility symbol in our bedroom. Although for the past days it seemed that I already ran out of inspiration, the smiling face of the Buddha and the kids somehow put a smile on my face as well.  And I said to myself  “I wish you’re smiling because you’re gonna say , Congratulation, you’re pregnant!”   

Loving my Christmas Decors

I feel great that for the past months of feeling murky inside, here I am sensing the warmth spirit of Christmas as I watch the output of my endeavors in putting up all these Christmas decors; Though I’m quite late since most of our neighbors have decorated early December.   Here are some pics J

Those Insensitive People

Arrived back home days ago and dog-tired of cleaning the house, embellishing with Christmas decors, gardening and changing curtains.  But it was all worthy, what’s worthless was the time I wasted for those people who’ve been asking me  “why am I not still pregnant?” or “ am I gonna still get pregnant?” “ what treatments I’m having?” “aren’t  you considering adoption?”  blah blah blah.  Man! I don’t even understand why I have to explain them.   

The worst ones were those who somewhat “jokingly” (for them it’s really a joke) said “ Oh!, you’re not yet pregnant and your already in your mid 30s!”  “Home is lonely without children”  “ You don’t know how to make a baby, do you?”  “ It’s  harder to get pregnant, when you’re more than 35, you have to work on it fast”

Oh well, thank goodness that the devil in me who was ready to sew their mouth was halted by the angel in me.

But honestly, their statements brought me nightmares and found myself waking up in the middle of the night in tears.

Why can’t they just shut up their mouth?????!!!!!!

Keeping my Sanity

After a long month of silence and the doomy feeling of apathy, here I am again with my fingers pressing the keyboard of my laptop.  I can’t deny that I do find therapy in blogging.  It’s a place where I can burst out my grief, my frustration, my rage & etc. 24/7.

Ten days to Christmas and still negative result, I had my period yesterday.  But this time I managed not to shed even a single tear.  I’ve finally learned to prepare myself to accept my defeat on this battle.  I guess, because I am letting my wish now fly in the air and let the wind take care of it. 

The past days were wonderful.  My hubby and I made ourselves busy buying gifts for our loved ones and planning for our house blessing.  It was moments of “eat, love, & pray.  Yes we still do pray, but this time it’s always giving thanks for the good health and the blessings.   And I’m thankful to realize, that I can still keep my sanity.