Goodbye and Hello

2010 will be bidding goodbye soon and I’m saying goodbye as well to all my heartaches and all the despondent moments of 2010.  As the cliché goes “ Count the blessings not the failures”

Resolutions & Plans for 2011?

I have lots but the first thing in my list would be, not to put pressure anymore on myself to conceive and leave all this to God.  Secondly, just give a beautiful smile to people who will ask about my age, baby & pregnancy. ( I really hope I can do this)  

You're all I want for Christmas

Christmas Day, supposedly a blissful day to spend but what happened in Christmas Eve is still fresh in my mind and in my heart.  I woke up in tears again today, feeling weak & sick.  When I tried to get up it seemed that every part of my body was in pain.  So I laid myself in bed for another hour closing my eyes and yearning that I could simply ease the pain by hanging a sock on my wall and then later will find out that Santa has given me the gift I wished for Christmas.

…And then I found myself singing these songs

You’re all I want for Christmas

All I want my whole life through

Each day is just like Christmas anytime when I’m with you…

(The first time I actually sang this song was when I joined a singing contest when I was in grade 4. ‘Twas my mom who chose this song and I did win the first place)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Baby all I want for Christmas is you…

(A song by Mariah Carey, I didn’t sing the whole song, just this line and I kept repeating it…)

Tearful Christmas Eve

7:30pm- went to the airport to fetch my hubby from manila, after an hour hubby arrived

9:00pm-enjoying dinner with family with my bro from Cagayan and his 2 daughters, with my bro from negros with his wife and 2 sons, my hubby and mom-in-law.

9:30pm- exchanged gifts

10:00 pm- skype chat with my bro in Japan and his family

 All of us were so happy with our respective gifts and the chance to be together in this Christmas Eve as we rarely do this. My 6 brothers and I are living miles away from each other and I feel delighted that at least two of them with their family were able to celebrate Christmas with me & one was on live chat.

The laughing, eating noche buena and sharing of stories continued until I heard one of my bro’s sardonic voice saying. “Hahahahaha, I won’t appreciate Ging’s achievements…she’s childless !”.   I heard this so loud, so offensive, so excruciating not to my ear but to my heart.  The rests of my family pretended to be unaware of what he just said or never cared because he was drunk.  But I give a damn care! He just stabbed the wound in me which was already healing.   Although there was just hasty silence after he uttered that statement because my other bro quickly changed the topic, my wound of the infertility battle which has supposedly put to rest started to bleed again.

Without a word, I climbed upstairs and locked myself in the bedroom.  No sobbing sound heard but tears keep rolling down my face…even while I'm making this blog.   

The Fertility Symbol

Today wasn’t an early shopping for the Christmas Eve celebration; loads of people are in different shopping malls.  I guess the busy days started early on the 15^th, after receiving the 13^th month pay.  Good thing for me that I live only couple of minutes walk away from a mall.

I headed first to the house ornaments section, not planning to buy anything particular just something probably that I would really love to place in my house, especially that our house blessing is approaching.  My feet brought me to the figurines; I am not a big fan of figurines the few ones I owned were given by my friends.  It was the green laughing Buddha with a big tummy and 5 kids that enthralled me then I realized that it was the fertility symbol in feng shui that I have read in the internet.  I was amazed by myself that I didn’t give a second thought of buying it. 

I placed the fertility symbol in our bedroom. Although for the past days it seemed that I already ran out of inspiration, the smiling face of the Buddha and the kids somehow put a smile on my face as well.  And I said to myself  “I wish you’re smiling because you’re gonna say , Congratulation, you’re pregnant!”   

Loving my Christmas Decors

I feel great that for the past months of feeling murky inside, here I am sensing the warmth spirit of Christmas as I watch the output of my endeavors in putting up all these Christmas decors; Though I’m quite late since most of our neighbors have decorated early December.   Here are some pics J

Those Insensitive People

Arrived back home days ago and dog-tired of cleaning the house, embellishing with Christmas decors, gardening and changing curtains.  But it was all worthy, what’s worthless was the time I wasted for those people who’ve been asking me  “why am I not still pregnant?” or “ am I gonna still get pregnant?” “ what treatments I’m having?” “aren’t  you considering adoption?”  blah blah blah.  Man! I don’t even understand why I have to explain them.   

The worst ones were those who somewhat “jokingly” (for them it’s really a joke) said “ Oh!, you’re not yet pregnant and your already in your mid 30s!”  “Home is lonely without children”  “ You don’t know how to make a baby, do you?”  “ It’s  harder to get pregnant, when you’re more than 35, you have to work on it fast”

Oh well, thank goodness that the devil in me who was ready to sew their mouth was halted by the angel in me.

But honestly, their statements brought me nightmares and found myself waking up in the middle of the night in tears.

Why can’t they just shut up their mouth?????!!!!!!

Keeping my Sanity

After a long month of silence and the doomy feeling of apathy, here I am again with my fingers pressing the keyboard of my laptop.  I can’t deny that I do find therapy in blogging.  It’s a place where I can burst out my grief, my frustration, my rage & etc. 24/7.

Ten days to Christmas and still negative result, I had my period yesterday.  But this time I managed not to shed even a single tear.  I’ve finally learned to prepare myself to accept my defeat on this battle.  I guess, because I am letting my wish now fly in the air and let the wind take care of it. 

The past days were wonderful.  My hubby and I made ourselves busy buying gifts for our loved ones and planning for our house blessing.  It was moments of “eat, love, & pray.  Yes we still do pray, but this time it’s always giving thanks for the good health and the blessings.   And I’m thankful to realize, that I can still keep my sanity.

Longing my ma & pa

To my dearest Mama & Papa,

Without the two of you by my side for so many years now has always been a struggle to live my life.  I was used to be comforted by your caress by your advice and love when I felt bad.   I was used to be brave knowing that you were always there to back me up.   Yes… I was brave to sing, to dance and to declaim, to join in any competition, because you were there to funnel me how to win & to encourage me up when I lose.

  If you have been watching me since the two of you left, you know how I am striving hard to win every mêlée I have encountered in my life.   But Mama and Papa this time, this particular battle that I am experiencing now…how I wish that the two of you are here with me to guide me on how to survive.

Feel Like Giving Up

The past chapters of my life have defined me as optimistic and a fighter but now I can't even build anymore an armor of words and wear a mask to ward off my flaw in facing my anguish.  My vision became blurry with tears when I got my period yesterday.

The unending questions seem tormenting me for a sin I didn’t commit.  When will God answer our prayer?  What kind of prayers does He need to answer us? Why He’s not answering our prayer?  Am I still going to get pregnant?

  

We were advised by the doctor that if I don’t get pregnant after my last treatment of clomiphene the next step is IUI.   My husband and I never discuss on this & didn’t even bother to think about it.

 I finally decided to stop taking my fertility pills and even stop asking God for answers. All I wanna do now is to relax my mind and my body and I hope I can.

 Well, my friends & family don’t really know that I’m in distress as they always see me full of life & energy.  They don’t know that deep inside I feel like I’m tearing apart.

Waiting days to verdict

Irregular period is one of the symptoms of having PCOS.   I have been reading all about this, I should say all about my “enemy” from that day I was diagnosed;  how my enemy will wreck my desire to have a baby.  For more than a year I am fighting my foe using various artilleries for which every month we come to a verdict of who wins.

The verdict last month was on the 13^th in favor of my opponent of course.   And I don’t know this month if I have only 3 days left to lift up my hope or worst scenario, my enemy will just play me again prolonging the game of waiting for nothing.

Honey and the Veggies

From then on, every meal I cook consists mainly of spinach & other leafy veggies.  And I feel pity for my honey as I know he’s not that fun of veggies. I always sense when he loses his appetite, he will only have 1 cup of rice instead of his usual 2 cups.  And I can’t also stand watching him eating without enjoying his food.  So, I’m doing  my best to prepare different kind of vegetarian recipes and for the sake of my hubby I sometimes mix it with meat.

  

Well so far I finally got his appetite again.  Four of his favorites are my spinach omelette, chicken afritada and beef 

with mushroom & broccoli and of course “utan bisaya” or mixed vegetables with coconut milk.

But sometimes, he’d really beg me to cook for chicken & pork adobo :)

Going Natural

So here I am again continuing my quest;  sitting in front of the computer searching another weapons for this somewhat extremely hard to win battle of infertility.

I came across various sites providing information on foods that boost fertility not totally convince though because some of them have already been part of my daily diet and yet nothing happened.  But my instinct seems to tell me to try the foods which are not usually part of my daily menu.  Fine, I'm giving it a try.

Spinach

 Both spinach, and other leafy vegetables, provides your body with folic acid.  Folic acid is an essential ingredient for healthy sperm and ovaries and for preventing neural tube defects during the early stages of pregnancy.  It also has iron and vitamin C, two items that enhance the quality of sperm and keep you healthy.

Oysters

Everyone has heard that oysters are good for the libido - but for fertility?  Oysters have a huge amount of zinc in them, a substance that is said to help with both healthy sperm and egg production.  If you don't like to eat oysters, look for zinc in baked beans, eggs, nuts, pumpkin seeds and multi-vitamins.

Because You Love Me

If not for my husband’s endless understanding and support, I could have probably often down in the dumps.  He always tries to divert my attention by bringing me to dinner outside when he comes home early and making sure that we spend every weekend somewhere to have fun.

  His encouragement, his effort to always make me happy and his love have somehow eased the pain.

My Dear Husband this  is for you.

Until When?

I got my period today.  And I am in pain again but not because of my dysmenorrhea as I am already used to it; it’s the pain of realizing that the more I am striving to get pregnant the harder it seems to happen.

I don’t know anymore until when I can hold on…

The Signs

Sore breasts, mild abdominal cramps and enormous appetite for food these are what I’m feeling these days.  Albeit I’ve already experienced these symptoms before I get my period, the other side of me is also hoping that these are already somehow early signs of pregnancy. 

I don’t want to get excited afraid that my excitement will only lead to frustration again.  So for now,  I will just keep on hoping and praying.

Trying All the Possibilities

Every possible way to get pregnant counts; aside from doubling my dosage of clomiphene we also follow some advices from our friends on different “baby-making positions” which sometimes turns our  love- making into a comedy act when I suddenly say “Ouch my leg hurts or when I say “Wait hun, I guess my body is kinda twisted” or I can’t do this it’s difficult for me to breathe”  lol, putting pillow under my hips, raising up my legs after and rolling it like riding a bicycle and waiting 30 minutes before going to the bathroom.  The experience is exhausting but fun. Lol

I’m not superstitious but as long as it won’t hurt me then I will follow any advice just for me to get pregnant.  I was told to touch the finger nails of a pregnant woman, put baby pictures on the walls of our room etc.  etc. And  I did, although just some of them. Only selected those which I got an impulse.

Still Hoping

It's been 2 years now since I discovered that I have a PCOS and it's been more than a year from my miscarriage;and currently I am still hoping to conceive.

Every month seems a battle of faith, depression and strength.  I am thankful though that my hubby is always there to comfort me and yes! prayers and faith help me to hold on.

My husband and I are currently offering a novena prayer to St. Anne.  Last month was my fourth cycle treatment of clomiphene.

Hopefully this time with God's grace, I could already see two lines in my pregnancy test kit.  Baby dusts to all who are trying to conceive.